A Christian Athlete (and Parent) Playbook for Responding to Bullying
Brayden and his family just moved to a new town last summer. His first athletic experience in the fall went fairly well. He made some friends and experienced some success too. But spring sports have been a different story. One of his teammates from earlier in the year started making fun of Brayden’s appearance and encouraging other teammates to join in. He also started getting physical and attempting to instigate a fight—again, inviting others to follow his lead.
This is bullying.
It’s using a position of power and routinely assaulting a weaker individual with verbal and physical threats.
The details of the above scenario were sent to me last week in an email from a concerned parent. Their child, Brayden (I changed the name and some of the details to protect privacy), is being bullied and they want some practical wisdom to help him through this hard situation.
But they need help too.
What does it look like for a Christian athlete—and parent—to respond to bullying in a way that honors God? What follows is a playbook, not a guide. A guide is a step by step approach leading to a particular outcome. I’m not sure a cookie cutter approach works with so many different variables at play for each unique situation. A playbook is better.
A playbook offers multiple options depending on the context surrounding each particular problem.
Hopefully, as you read through this, the Holy Spirit will let you know what play(s) you need to call as you break the huddle and face the situation. One more important note: this is written for middle school and high school athletes—and their parents.
Playbook for the Christian Athlete
Believe God’s truth over their lie
One of the worst possible outcomes of bullying is beginning to believe the lie of the bully. In his book, Winning the War in Your Mind, pastor and author Craig Groeschel says “Increasing research proves that the way to get someone to believe the lie is to simply repeat the lie. Psychologists call this the illusory truth effect. It’s been called a glitch in the human psyche.
You need to fight this lie (whatever is being fed to you by the bully) with what’s true about you in Christ.
Check out this list developed by Athletes in Action:
Which one resonates with you the most? More importantly, which one takes the focus off of you and leads you towards an awe of God that he would declare this particular statement true of you? Memorize the scripture(s) associated with that truth and remind yourself of this every day, multiple times. Every time you hear the verbal taunts from the person who wants you to believe the lie, fight it with this truth.
Pray
It can be easy to try and get overly clever with a playbook like this and neglect the “well I could’ve thought about that one” plays. This probably falls under that category. But how many times have you brought this to God? What are you asking from God in this situation? Here is a prayer I would encourage you to tweak and make your own:
“God, I’m scared of this person. I hate how they make me feel. Practice isn’t fun for me because of them (Just start by being honest with Him). Would you help me to believe what YOU say is true about me? Would you help me to respond to his/her threats in a way that honors you? Would you protect my physical body, but also my mind and my heart? What are you trying to teach me through this? I trust you and know that you are good. But this is hard. Please bring a resolution to this quickly.”
Turn the other cheek
I know there are plenty of people who may disagree with this strategy. But it’s not really a strategy. It’s a command from Jesus. In Matthew 5:38-40, he says:
“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.”
In the case of bullying in sports, this isn’t just a physical turning of the cheek, but probably involves a verbal turning of the cheek as well.
I have the gift of sass and can strike fairly effective verbal assaults to anyone who wants to step in that ring with me. But it’s not honoring to God. The person on the other end may be acting like a punk, but they are still made in God’s image—just like you.
Turn the other cheek. And close your mouth.
Choose kindness
Proverbs 25:21-22 says:
If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the Lord will reward you.
Now, I don’t know exactly what is meant by heaping burning coals on someone’s head, but the wisdom of the proverb is this: be kind to your enemy.
What does this look like practically in sport? Here are a few options:
Grab their water bottle off the bench and hand it to them.
Tell them “Hey, good practice today.”
Before competition, ask them “Is there anything you need from me today?”
If it’s a contact sport, like football, help them off if their on the ground.
If it’s a sport like track, shout encouragement towards the end of the workout.
Don’t overcomplicate it and don’t be weird about it. Encourage them and move on with whatever you need to do next. Don’t wait for their response. You’re not doing this to get in their good graces. You’re doing this for your own heart and growth in the Lord.
Defend others
If the bully is coming after you, I think the biblical response is turning the other cheek. If they are coming after another teammate of yours, I think the biblical response is to stand in the gap for the victim and protect their dignity. But this still doesn’t mean throwing hands or hurling insults back at them.
Keep your distance
Depending on the sport you’re involved in, sometimes keeping your distance is the best option.
Playbook for the Parent of the Christian Athlete
Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t let it become the only thing you talk about
If your kid is talking to you about a situation where they are being bullied, the “win” is that you are a safe person for them. Don’t take that for granted. Keep the lines of communication open, but don’t start every conversation after they get home with practice with “how did it go with ‘you know who’ today?” Give them space to bring it up and try not to spiral with them when they do. There are a few things you can do, but one of the best involves the next point.
Know what the situation calls for
When it comes to threats, either realized or perceived, parents have a couple options to choose from. Two of those options are protection or preparation.
What does this situation call for? We live in a day and age where protection is often the default for parents when it comes to their children.
In their book, The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure, authors Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt, argue that our elevation of safety as a sacred value is actually harming our children. They suggest embracing the culture of “safetyism” stunts young people’s social, emotional, and intellectual development.
I’m not saying don’t protect your child. You know them best. But there is wisdom in stepping back and seeing if this is a situation they can handle on their own. Is this a moment for you to prepare them or protect them? What are examples of each?
Prepare them by reminding your child of God’s truth
Scroll back up and look at the list again. Which of those truths do you think your kid needs to hear? Seeing it in God’s word is one thing. Hearing it from their mom or dad adds power to the truth. Look your kid in the eyes, call out the lie, and replace it with the truth. “Brayden, son, I know you were fed a lie today that you look different than some of the other boys. But you need to know that you are God’s masterpiece. He didn’t make a mistake with you.”
Make them tell you over and over again who they are in Christ. It may feel weird. That’s ok. Christians are a little weird sometimes.
Prepare them by praying with and for them
Another way to prepare them to handle the situation is to pray (Again, let’s not get too cute with this). Pray with them. Pray for them. Show them how to come to God honest and raw. Show them you are in their corner by pleading to God on their behalf. Pray that the Holy Spirit would empower them to think and act in a way that honors God.
Protect them by talking to an authority figure
In the context of sports, there are probably three main authority figures worth considering. The coach, the athletic director, and the parent of the bully. I would make sure you have your kid’s blessing before you pursue this route. And I would start with the coach.
Their coach sees them together at the scene of the crime every day. Above any other figure, they should have a good read on what’s going. If this is a situation that requires protection, calling the coach may be a good option. What does the conversation look like? I would start with asking questions instead of making accusations. You want this coach in your corner and the best way to do that is to start with being inquisitive and having a gentle tone.
I’m wondering if you see anything unusual regarding Brayden and his teammates? I’m curious if you have noticed Brayden getting picked on (I’d stay away from the word “bullied” initially) at practice?
Transition by letting him know your side of the story and make your request. Something like “It’s been brought to our attention that _______ has been going on for (amount of time). We were wondering if you could keep an eye out for this type of behavior and be an advocate for Brayden if you see it happen?” Using language like that makes you teammates in this instead of rivals.
Protect them by talking to the problem
Ok, we need to be careful here. This could go sideways in a number of ways and I think it needs to be a last resort. Two ways this could go bad:
Don’t be a bully: in your attempt to protect your child, don’t become the exact person you're protecting your child against. If you threaten with words or any sort of physicality, I don’t think that is a God honoring route to take. In fact, it’s probably sinful.
If you confront the bully, you also run the risk of making things worse. Now, Brayden will not only get bullied for the existing reason(s), but also because “mommy or daddy had to come and save him.”
So, how do you confront a bully as a parent. I haven’t had to do this so I am not a subject matter expert here. But I would suggest a stern (not aggressive) tone.
Find the punk, er, child made in God’s image at a practice/competition, and let them know who you are. Again, stern tone, not threatening. Make sure you look them in the eyes and tell them it needs to stop. Don’t linger or give them a three point sermon on why they need to stop. Confront and be done with it.
Hopefully some of this was helpful. If you have experienced success in this area with “plays” other than what I recommended, please let me know and I will add them to the playbook. These types of resources are made in community, for a community so let’s be teammates with this.
